The Sober Living Stories Podcast

New York Times Bestselling Author Lisann Valentin: A Personal Story of Empowerment

August 27, 2024 • Jessica Stipanovic • Season 1 • Episode 39

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Join us for an empowering episode with Lisann Valentin, a lawyer turned actor and New York Times bestselling author, who shares her compelling journey from a childhood immersed in drinking culture to an adulthood filled with success. 

Having walked away from a law career and into the entertainment industry, Lisann followed her passion landing hit shows like Manifest and The Blacklist, to the New York Times best-selling anthology Eat Pray Love Made Me Do It.  Today, the lawyer-turned-actor gives listeners insights on how to honor their own authenticity and live out their true calling. 

Lisann offers a glimpse into her early life, growing up with an alcoholic father, and how these experiences shaped her empathetic nature and self-soothing strategies, such as journaling and introspection. Through her eyes, we gain insight into the normalization of alcohol in professional settings and how her initial pursuit of acting for litigation skills evolved into a career that aligns with her core values and passions.

Lisann emphasizes the importance of reconnecting with one's "why" and integrating diverse talents into a fulfilling practice. Lisann's story is a testament to breaking free from societal pressures and hustle culture, underlining the necessity of honoring one's true self in both work and life.

Tune in for an inspiring conversation that challenges conventional notions of success and encourages a balanced, meaningful approach to personal and professional growth.

Free for Listening: Top Journal Prompts for Self Reflection:
https://www.lgvalentin.com/journal-prompt-sign-up

To connect with Lisann Valentin:
Website: LISANN G. VALENTIN (lgvalentin.com)
Instagram: @LisannValentin  LISANN VALENTIN (@lisannvalentin) • Instagram photos and videos


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Speaker 1:

My next guest has been known to grace the silver screen, illuminate the pages of bestselling books, all while helping people navigate personal transformation From hit shows like Manifest, narcos and the Blacklist to the New York Times bestselling anthology Eat Pray Love Made Me Do it. My next guest captivates audiences and readers with her raw vulnerability and empowering wisdom. She's going to open up today about her personal story of growing up with alcoholism and addiction all around her, yet somehow using those tools to navigate as a highly functioning adult. So listen in and hear how she transformed her life and is helping others transform theirs. Welcome to the Sober Living Stories podcast.

Speaker 1:

This podcast is dedicated to sharing stories of sobriety. We shine a spotlight on individuals who have faced the challenges of alcoholism and addiction and are today living out their best lives sober. Each guest has experienced incredible transformation and are here to share their story with you. I'm Jessica Stepanovic, your host. Join me each week as guests from all walks of life share their stories to inspire and provide hope to those who need it most. Welcome to another episode of the Sober Living Stories podcast. Meet my next guest, lise Ann Valentin. She's a lawyer turned actor and a New York Times bestselling author of the anthology Eat, pray. Love Made Me Do it. Oftentimes grab tools while we're growing up that either hinder us or help us grow, and she's going to share with us part of her personal story and then tell us how she's helping other multi-talented individuals find their true calling. Welcome to the show, lisan Hi.

Speaker 2:

Jessica, thank you, I'm happy to be here.

Speaker 1:

So good to have you here. Yeah, let's start with as far back as you want to go in your personal story, all the way up and until present day and what you're doing today. Just start from the beginning.

Speaker 2:

When I was really little, I used to run around in my Wonder Woman underwear chasing an imaginary villain, and I was determined that I was her. And so when I saw her spinning on TV, I mean this is Linda Carter, right, and I would do the same thing. And I think the questions I started to ask myself later, when I look back on who was I running from and who was I becoming? And I think those were two key aspects of how I became who I am now.

Speaker 2:

I think that when you grow up I mean I love my parents my father was an alcoholic and he had his addictions and that was a family situation and it informed how I walked into a room, how I navigated family parties where it was normalized that the men drank and would drive us home or that, you know, he'd pick us up and he'd be drinking like from school and I would always watch that, even though I was, I wasn't told that that's not something I had to watch for.

Speaker 2:

It was just my hypervigilance evolved into an incredible amount of empathy where I could feel a room, and so for a long time it did hinder me, because the story I told myself then, without having the language for it was that I was responsible for everyone's emotions and personal safety, while looking after my own, being my own superhero, twirling around the energy all around me. Who was I running from? Who was I becoming? It was all of that, and I didn't really have languaging for it. Not for a really long time, but being hypersensitive did affect me, I think, in those early years, just because I was saving myself and trying to save everyone in the process.

Speaker 1:

I can relate to taking responsibility for my own protection, my own safety, and that creates us to be self-sufficient which is like. So how did that self-sufficiency play out? Did it hurt you or did it help you?

Speaker 2:

Well, I think both I did become super self-sufficient in terms of how to self-soothe, so I would take to journaling really little and at the time I would talk to God and I would rant and rave and then complain and then also get really comforted by the words I'd end up writing in response to myself. And so I had I gained tools in terms of learning to process and assess what I was feeling and why. When I was angry, why I was angry, when I was happy, why, and sort of learning to assess how I felt. So that way I wasn't becoming mired by how everyone else was feeling.

Speaker 2:

So early on, when I was younger, my parents, you know, my father was drinking, so he was the villain and my mother wasn't, so she was the saint, and so it was this very black and white environment in my child's mind and I didn't notice that there this wasn't normal until I stepped outside of my family dynamic. We're super insulated. There were like 35 cousins, so like we were, that was a party. You didn't need other outsiders, like that was everyone. And so when I, when I did go out into the world and make friends outside of that dynamic and see I would witness parents everywhere Like. That was the first thing I was watching for to see the men drinking to the extent that they would and like why my like the women in my family were attracting, magnetizing this experience. And none of them drank. Interestingly enough, my mom didn't, none of her sisters did, neither did my grandparents, but all the men married into the family did.

Speaker 2:

So it took me a while to see the outside of the family dynamic. It wasn't alcohol, wasn't necessarily part of the experience for everyone. That goes with ebbs and flows, because where I did see a resurgence was when I went to law school and the dynamic was everyone drank all the time. That's what you did Then, when I was at a firm, everyone drank socially for clients. Everything was centered. It was centered around checking out. That's how I perceived it. So it wasn't about being in the experience, it's about checking out of the experience. So I went from being in a place where I needed to be so present to be safe Fast forward where my very first career. I was checking out, to feel safe, and I gained a lot of compassion from my dad.

Speaker 2:

Like it took that experience for me where I felt like you know what, if I'm not checking myself now, I'm going to go down this road. And I really had. And I'm thankful that I had the wherewithal to say within myself and I said God, help me to stop, help me not to go beyond like what I'm capable of. So I mean, if I had a drink that would lead to three drinks, that would lead to six, and I'd be sick the next day, I couldn't handle it and so I'd asked to stop. So after, if I had a drink, the second drink I would get physically ill then, then and there, like I would feel nauseated, then and there. So I needed a physical impetus to stop me. And that's what I got, because that's what I wanted, because I needed that halt, so I wouldn't go down that road.

Speaker 1:

yeah, yeah so is that a bar?

Speaker 2:

yeah, um, what? Yeah, total fear. Oh, my gosh, did I lose you? It was a total fear, um, you know, because I had these archetypes at home. Who was I gonna be? Was I gonna be the villain, was I gonna be the saint? The truth is, we're both. We're always both, um, but I got to experience the villain story to understand that it's, it's just a saint. That's been really hurt you know what I mean.

Speaker 2:

Yes, Unable to be present, unable to be here, and I have so much compassion for his and my father. You know he's in recovery, been in recovery for decades, but it took me a long time and it took that experience for me to have compassion for his journey, because for a long time I didn't Sure. That didn't mean the hypervigilance went away. It just shifted and changed into a more empowering way of walking into a room.

Speaker 1:

You know, I I previously had on someone who was a lawyer and she said the same thing about, um, the culture of being in law school and then also being in a firm, and how the stress management and the networking was so saturated with alcohol she just didn't even know what to do. And so, yeah, it's just part of that and how do you? But I love how you kind of had it seems like you had such an awareness of like I don't want to do this and you asked for help.

Speaker 1:

You asked for, like spiritual help, like don't let me go beyond this yeah and because I think you had an awareness and a fear of like that genetic predisposition or what growing up like that and and it was answered, you know you actually got physically ill after you know two drinks.

Speaker 2:

Yeah so, yeah, I mean, and I think that's what that was a driving force throughout every shift in transformation my life was my relationship with the divine. I didn't need the labels, but I'm comfortable with them. And so, even since little, when I was journaling, I was opening the door to conversation, feedback, support, even when it didn't take a traditional methodology. It was just my own way of connecting, if that makes sense. And so when I verbally asked for it and I decided that that's what's going to happen, it just wasn't a surprise to me. It was like, of course. Of course this showed up the way I needed it to, you know, and yeah, I did one in my family. Um, on my father's side, alcoholism it was his. His father died from cirrhosis of liver and he was a heavy drinker. Um, and so, as far as I knew, this was on Lisa, my dad's side was pretty common.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you know a lot of people that come on talk about help from therapy, help from 12 step as far as them being in addiction themselves, or a wife or husband of someone who is watching someone struggle with addiction or alcoholism. But what it sounds like to me is that you, from a very early age, journaled specifically to God. You know and God answers. So it's almost like you grew up listening and so you were able to receive and feel the presence of um God early. So he just so it's like you circumvented, like through therapy, and just went right to the greatest power of them all. Right, and so you can feel that. So I'm not surprised to read that you're a spiritual, a certified spiritual coach, because that makes complete sense. And then you know it kind of freed up your time to like focus on these goals that you had. I mean, law school was probably a great undertaking. Did you practice law after?

Speaker 2:

I did. I practiced law for eight years.

Speaker 1:

Eight years.

Speaker 2:

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:

And then what made you leave law and go into more creative industry like acting and writing?

Speaker 2:

as a career path. And so I was very logical, rational, and this didn't seem logical or rational to me to play for a living. Interestingly enough, that's all I do now is play. It's amazing, but at the time I just like this didn't make sense to me. And so when I was in my first year practicing law, that's when I started a book club and started exploring whatever this was inside of me that was like itching to come out. There was something. I didn't know what it was. And then I think by my second year I'd, and that's when I walked into an acting class. I'd asked a friend about it. I wanted to be better at litigation.

Speaker 2:

It was challenging for me to be in court and not take it home, and this was all around the time where it was, like you know, for networking and everything like alcohol was very much a person in the room with everyone, right, wow, yeah, yeah. And so, like, how do I? I don't need to become the best friends with alcohol to navigate this. I needed to find another friend, and acting was that friend. Um, then I fell in love with it and I started pursuing it on the side until I got comfortable enough with a plan to leave um, set myself up just to feel safe, like in this, like branching off um, and I hit the ground running literally within a year after that. That's when I became part of the pre-love made me do it, which became an airtimes bestseller. I was on multiple tv shows and movies, um, and then all through that time I was still looking for the thing, right.

Speaker 2:

Because here's a funny thing about addiction it shows up in so many ways. It's not just alcohol. Work is an addiction. Anything that checks you out of this moment that you're so enthralled. It's an enthrallment, right, that helps us deal with we say, deal with air quotes, with what's going on in our life, because the easiest thing to do is to not deal. And so when I was addicted to work in litigation, right, that was something that I ended up leaning into and I had to check out of that.

Speaker 2:

Then I became sort of having that same drive and acting like go, go, go, go, go, and that had to stop. It was an old paradigm being mirrored in my creative life. And even though I had a vibrant spiritual life, even though I'm very connected, like I'm highly intuitive and super connected and I love it, and yet I'm a very much a human being who has a hissy fit with God half the time and I was like this isn't moving the way I want it to move and how can I shift this? And literally I had to stop and look at myself and say what's my why? What is my why here?

Speaker 2:

Is my why to get the next big gig, the next co-star, guest star role or the lead? Or is my why just to really be in the essence of who I am and enjoying my life? So if I'm just quirky, tough ass, but also super compassionate person, how can I show up as that, no matter what role I'm playing, right, right, then how can I help ignite that in other people? Because we're multifaceted, there's so much to all of us, and so getting back to my why helped me break another pattern. Addiction will lead you away from your why Always.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, Always. You can even see that. You know the saying. That says what is the one thing that you're ignoring doing? That's probably the thing that you should be doing, that's probably it, that's probably it Right. And that always stops me in my tracks, Cause you know, we go so quickly and try to keep up and and it always stops me in my tracks and I think, well, what is it? You know.

Speaker 1:

And it's usually not the thing that's in front of me. You know, just those high speeds that people move at these days to recognize that so important and so good.

Speaker 2:

Really it was hustle culture right.

Speaker 1:

For me it was hustle culture for a long time.

Speaker 2:

I had to really break out of that Hustle. Culture is addictive. You get immediate results with it, so you get that dopamine hit right away, right and like, and so social media can be a part of that. You can think about oh, they like me, okay, that's, you know. This is all validation for something that we need.

Speaker 2:

Right, right. And so breaking out of hustle culture was really important. Like before we went and recorded, you were talking about the length of time it has taken you to dive into your personal story, to put it out into the world. Hustle culture would shame, that there would be shame associated with that. Being in authentic living at a pace that honors you totally, totally, totally, shines a light on that process, the longevity of it, the unfolding of it. You bake a cake and you take time with each ingredient. Right, you can use an easy bake oven. I guess if you're a little girl and do it in 10 minutes, it's a very different experience.

Speaker 2:

And so yeah, I would say that if you're outside of hustle culture, your art would be honored. The art of the telling of your life story would be honored.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, good point. You know even the literary community that I'm a part of, you know, the reason that I like them is because they're not they. They're really into their work, like the craft of it, like the of writing they're. They're not about speed like the of writing they're. They're not about speed, they're not up on all the social media platforms.

Speaker 1:

Um, some probably have trouble even getting to that part of it, but they're so in tune with what they're doing and they are really proud of their work. You know, and and nobody's in a rush to like get it out there. And, um, and it's just such the flip when you look around, it's like, hey, I'm going to run this through here and produce a book, and and, um, get it out as soon as possible so I can sell this or sell this course or do this. And like, they talk about it being like a business card as opposed to your story or your, your life's work. You know, so I can relate to that a lot and that's why I admire that community, because it's kind of rare.

Speaker 2:

I think it's your perspective, right? I think it's like. So what I mean is you're in a, but what I'm hearing you say is you're in a space where your worldview, your perspective, allows you to foster and nurture how you grow and how you shine, whereas someone in the writing world may have a different experience. Where they may be in a world where it's like you need to write to market, you need to stay in one lane, you need to put these books out every month, you need to create a list so that way you can monetize what you do as a writer, and it's a hustle hustle mentality. So there may be two different perspectives, right? One where it's like the art of it, the other where it's like a pure marketing perspective yeah, it's like following the dollar, like all the way down the line, right what's, but what's your why?

Speaker 2:

if you go back to why, then you get to choose which perspective you experience. That's right. Individual.

Speaker 1:

So how did you put down the hustle culture? Like when you were acting and you saw, wow, this is becoming about that. Like how did you put it down and how did it change you or your perspective?

Speaker 2:

Literally, I was forced to put it down because I was in it and didn't even recognize it. I thought I'd already recognize it. I thought I'd already left it. I thought I'd left hustle culture behind with the law and all of a sudden I was in the center of that twirling, twirling, twirling, not seeing it, you know. And again was I running from it? Or who was I becoming Like? Who's the villain now? Right, and so like it was the pandemic that stopped me. Just before lockdown in New York I sprained my ankle so bad on the way to I was shooting something in Queens and I'd sprain my ankle in the stupidest way. I still did it. And I came back and I couldn't walk the next day and I had an audition and I was furious Again, my human will, like rebel, even though my intuitive self was like be, still Trust this is happening for a reason. And I was off my feet for like a month and I couldn't go out to auditions. I was frustrated and then we went on lockdown.

Speaker 1:

Wow.

Speaker 2:

And when I got to be still, I got to say, huh, what's happening? Why was I in such a like push, push, push, instead of letting myself being pulled into my, my reality? Because I've had experience again going back to, I meditated a lot, since I was really little, like all of my tools, I kind of like was shoving them aside for something that was familiar, which is the go, go, go, the success. The dopamine hit right Achieving, achieving, achieving. And so the pandemic hit. I was forced to slow down.

Speaker 2:

I ended up writing another book, which also hit number one, like the first two weeks, and that was an independent publishing, thank you. But it was important because it was merging this idea of like your craft right and how you speak to yourself and how you honor yourself. And it was the forced slowdown that helped me get back to my center. And that's when I started. That's when I became certified as a spiritual coach, certified as a Reiki master. I was doing these things that, like in the past, I wouldn't have done, because I grew up with these modalities and I didn't know that people got certified in them Right in them, to be honest, and I'd been helping people my whole life, but it was just part of who I was.

Speaker 2:

It wasn't what I did, wasn't what I did and I was like, well, maybe I can, as I'm learning, I can turn around and hold my hand out for the person that's coming up behind me so they can walk beside me. We can walk together into this next level of transformation. All that to say is I've had so many careers, I have had a lot of successes. I've also had a lot of struggles. That doesn't make the highlight real, but it does become the texture of who I am and how I can show up for someone who's also in that experience, in that journey of self-doubt. They don't know if this is the next step. They don't know if this is the right thing. They're so used to hearing everyone else's voice that they forget the voice inside of them. Because I've been there, as intuitive as I am, I've been there and I've listened to the thing outside of me before I turned around and said, hey, what's happening inside of you? And so that's how I ended up going on this journey. That's a very long monologue, jessica.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, but I mean, it was filled with so much it's invaluable. It was filled with so much so the journey that you're on now as being a certified spiritual coach would you say that is your primary job right now. Yeah, and then if you do any acting or you do any writing, it's an offshoot of that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I would say yes, and I had decided, yeah, that I would shift this idea of I had to do just the one thing. So I thought I did that when I was acting right, I'm multi-hyphenate, I was directing, I was just playing in all arenas, and writing has always been a part of it. But I decided that I was going to merge everything. I didn't want to compartmentalize my gifts. I wanted them to work as a whole, as a unit. I was just really tired of trying to juggle a bunch of plates and just not enjoying the meal. You know what I mean. And I was like who says it has to be this separate thing, you know? And so I feel like I'm in that space where this is the feast. I'm at it, this is it Right, I love that it's great, yes, so true, so relatable.

Speaker 1:

It's so hard to maintain and juggle all of it right and then to really speak to what you do. I think why it's so needed is because so many times people don't know how to put it on one plate, you know, and how to combine all their talents to their one true purpose.

Speaker 1:

You know I mean it's, it's the ideal goal, but and? But they may not even know that. They may think I have to do this first and then I'm gonna have to do that, and then that takes off, and then they can never get to this. I mean, so it's so needed, and especially in this fast-paced social media world where everyone's doing, you know, which is a gift in itself, truly, because we do have access and we can do what we want.

Speaker 1:

Like you're talking about playing, like I get to play, you know you're, you're living out your create creativity, whereas before, like he, for me, I, you know, we grew up. We think we have to follow the straight line which I completely was in defiance of for like a decade, which was my difficult years, because I thought I'm not going to join in to the cookie cutter home and the you know, the marriage scene. Like I, I wanted to going to join in to the cookie cutter home and the marriage scene. I wanted to write my book, I wanted to travel to Africa. I had things in mind that weren't in the line. And then what you said earlier, when you were practicing law and you thought why did you leave there? You were saying you're living out your creativity now, whereas before you thought you had to.

Speaker 2:

I was like follow a straight line, and that wasn't something that was feasible, wasn't rational. I don't remember what I said either, but yeah.

Speaker 1:

But it resonated, it hit, and I can relate to that because I think the world of social media and online and in the way of marketing what you do, allows you to do that and to reach so many people, so there's something really good about it. But it also can move you in a lot of different directions if you're not grounded in what you want to do and I'm just hearing that's how you help people from someone who has had a lot of talents creatively and academically, like you have your education behind you. You can help people who are struggling. Maybe they're writing, maybe they're wanting to grow out a business, or maybe they're wanting to go into a helping or serving field, where they're doing sharing their personal life experience, um to build a community. Like how are you helping and who is your ideal client right now?

Speaker 2:

Sounds like all of them, because my ideal client is the, the woman who is navigating a creative life and building a business at the same time. She is navigating how her personal life looks in doing the two things. So the thing that people don't talk about is as an actor, you're your own business. If you're not treating that as your own business, it would only get you so far. That means you're putting your destiny in someone else's hands completely without owning or taking sovereignty for yourself. It's the same thing as a writer you think you're going to write the book and then you're just going to like the agent's going to appear and then it's just going to. It gets going to hit number one and everyone's going to love it. Maybe or maybe you take, like ownership of your story and and you use wisdom and discernment to put it out there, and then you surrender it, knowing that people are going to do what they want with your life, with your word, with your baby. People are going to do what they want with it. So you surrender it at that point, and so that's also a business model, right? Who are you in that business? How do you show up for that business? How do you let yourself.

Speaker 2:

I keep hearing the Spanish word desarrollar like the unfolding of your story without censoring oh my God, censoring, because the old story of I have to walk a straight line and do all the things the right way quote, unquote right way and check all the boxes so I can be perfect, so I can fit the mold, so that way everyone will be happy and love me and so I can be worthy enough to achieve this goal. That's what that straight line is so I can be worthy enough to show up. I have to follow all these rules and stick to this straight line. For me that was my story in the past. Life is not a straight line. It is a wavy, wiggly. Jeremy Bear me is something like this show called the Good Place, so how it squiggles. That's what life is. It's a freaking mess where you get to play and so I help people. Make a mess. Just make a mess and see where you fit in that mess, like I had a client. We watched the movie Ghost together. Just one scene the clay. The scene where Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze are she's she's throwing clay and he's, his hands are in it with her. It's a very sensual and beautiful scene and it's so messy, like literally, their hands are full of clay.

Speaker 2:

Can you, as an adult, let your hands get in the mix of your life? Can you do the creative work and allow it to be a business, even if it's messy and not perfect? Can you show up and tell the truth? Tell the truth. Tell the truth, no matter what it looks like, and feel held in that truth. Can you do that? And if you can't, are you getting support to that way? You feel like your hand is held as you use your voice and express that truth?

Speaker 2:

Because I'll tell you one thing when you help and honor and love yourself that much, it shoots out like confetti across the world. It really does. It really really does. But when we hide behind the line, behind achievement, behind some old story, we're soldiers like ants marching across the line. And then who's served by that other than the ants on those line, on that line like who? No one.

Speaker 2:

So I think it's just about, if you let yourself play, let yourself make a mess, you'll find that the old story remolds itself in a way to serve you now, to keep you grounded. To keep you grounded, to keep you accountable, to help you show up for yourself and your business and to help you really shine in a place that brings you joy. Because, at the end of the day, if you're like walking around going, what's my purpose? What's my purpose? I'm going to tell you something really basic to live in love, to be that joy, to amplify your light, to laugh, because these things that we forgot to do when we were little Wonder Woman, spinning across the living room with the TV, those things, they lead you to the purpose, they lead you to how you show up and lead others.

Speaker 1:

Such good insights. Where can people find you? Oh, across social media I'm show up and lead others. Such good insights. Where can people find you? Oh, I'm on across social media.

Speaker 2:

I'm at Lisa and Valentin and online it's LGValentincom.

Speaker 1:

I'm so glad to have you on the show today.

Speaker 2:

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for tuning into the Sober Living Stories podcast. If you have been inspired, consider subscribing and sharing with anyone who could use hope in their lives. Remember to stay tuned for more inspiring stories in the episodes to come. To view our featured author of the month or to become a guest yourself, visit wwwjessicastepanovichcom.