Sober Living Stories

42 Years of Freedom: Former Child Actor Amy Colliton Shares Her Sobriety Story

• Jessica Stipanovic • Season 1 • Episode 31

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Join us on this episode of the Sober Living Stories podcast as we welcome Amy Colliton, a former childhood actor and founder of her own theater company, who celebrates 42 years of sobriety today. From her first encounter with alcohol at just 11 years old to her involvement in Alateen, Amy's journey is a true example and inspiration to listeners looking to make a change. She shares candid moments from her life, including the challenges of navigating trust issues within her family dynamic and the lifestyle of a young professional actor.

Getting sober at the young age of 21 years old, her colorful story talks about her wild lifestyle in New York City, up until sobriety took hold and changed her life.  She also touches on family alcoholism as a generational component. Our conversation is relatable, fun, and filled with insights about long-term sobriety.

Through vivid storytelling, Amy highlights the pivotal roles of various supportive figures, her heartfelt reunion with her father, and the transformative experiences that paved the way for her 42-year recovery. Her narrative is a testament to the power of community and the vital importance of complete abstinence in maintaining long-term sobriety.

As we discuss deeper, Amy opens up about the generational impact of alcoholism, the importance of addressing deep-seated family issues, and the role of altruism in her recovery. She discusses the emotional growth that comes from breaking free of codependency and secrecy, and the challenges and hopes of parenting while sober.

Amy now lives on the West Coast and enjoys sober living among friends and family.  To connect with Amy Colliton:
https://www.facebook.com/carlsbad123/
https://www.instagram.com/amyc.113/?hl=en
https://www.linkedin.com/in/amy-colliton-2b421b263/

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Speaker 1:

Getting sober at the young age of 21 years old in New York City. Meet my next guest, amy Colleton. She was a childhood actor who started her own theater company. She had a lifelong lived on the East Coast and she shares her 42nd year sober anniversary with us today on the Sober Living Stories podcast. So tune in. She has a colorful story that talks about her wildlife in New York City and then she goes into her sobriety and how it had taken hold and changed her life. She also touches on family alcoholism as a generational component. It's going to be a fun conversation filled with insights about long-term sobriety.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Sober Living Stories podcast. This podcast is dedicated to sharing stories of sobriety. We shine a spotlight on individuals who have faced the challenges of alcoholism and addiction and are today living out their best lives sober. Each guest has experienced incredible transformation and are here to share their story with you. I'm Jessica Stepanovic, your host. Join me each week as guests from all walks of life share their stories to inspire and provide hope to those who need it most. Welcome to another episode of the Sober Living Stories podcast. Today, my guest is Amy Colleton. She got sober when she was young, with 21 years, in New York City. She has a few perspectives on sober life, and she reminds us also about the disease of alcoholism being a family one and that her sobriety doesn't protect her children or any other family member from this disease. She has insights from her personal story and we're just going to dive in and let her tell it, and today's actually a special day for you.

Speaker 2:

Yes, it is.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the show. Thank you, welcome to the show, amy.

Speaker 2:

Oh, thank you so much. It's a pleasure to be here. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it.

Speaker 1:

So today is your 42 year anniversary of long-term sobriety.

Speaker 2:

Yes, 42 years sober. It's kind of nuts I like. You know. It's twice as long as I was alive when I got here, but that's okay. You know, if you stay, you don't drink and you stay alive. You're, you end up with 42 years Wow.

Speaker 1:

So, yeah, so I'm really interested to get into this and to hear your personal story. I know that you were brought up in 12-step meetings and environment and that was your road to recovery, as was my own, and yeah, so just share what happened. What got you to a point that you said, yeah, this is problematic, and then you decided to make a change and walk us through it.

Speaker 2:

Sure, yes, I did grow up around. My father was alcoholic and he died about eight years ago with about 43 years of sobriety, I think he was, and so he was nine years sober when I got sober and had been in and out of AA longer than that. And I went to Alateen as a teenager and you know, in Alateen there's like two kinds of kids, you know, the ones that are in the back getting high and the ones that are trying to help them.

Speaker 1:

Wow, I was kind of both.

Speaker 2:

I was a little of both and um, but uh, yeah, so I and I also I grew up a professional actor kid, so, um, I, I kind of uh, that was one of those things that you know. I think most people that have this disease have that some something that they latch on to, that. That's that terminal uniqueness thing about them, you know, and mine was that I was a professional kid on tv all the time and I wasn't um, you know, and I couldn't really trust anybody, you know but, but it really uh, I, you, I had seen my father.

Speaker 2:

Actually, my father was a periodic, which is an interesting thing, you know we don't talk about periodics as much anymore but he was the guy who could like not drink for many months and then go on a bender, not drink, go on a bender, and then he finally got. So I didn't see a lot of my father's drinking, but I saw my mother's reaction, which was, you know, my mother was a very I'm one of six kids from New York and Long Island, rockville Center specific and, and you know, my mother had a lot going on. So, and she was, she was very what I see today, very strong Al-Anon disease. You know, her codependency was really intense and um, and then by the time I started drinking, I was young, I was only like 11 years old when I started drinking and, um, and I loved it. The first time I drank, you know, I was like, oh, this is it. And now I also saw my brothers and sisters. I'm the youngest of those six. I saw them, a lot of them partying, lots of partying. We were, um, I could say, oh, like the fun and dysfunctional. We were a super fun family. We still are, you know, most of us just don't drink anymore. So that's a good thing.

Speaker 2:

And now, yeah, so by the time I was, I went into Manhattan and went to the high school performing arts and I started a theater company right out of there and by then my drinking was totally out of hand. My drinking was out of hand all through high school. Um, and I was the kind of I. I knew I probably had alcoholism. I knew I was going to be one of them out of my family, but I thought that that meant that if I knew it internally, like secretly, that, uh, I could beat it. You know what I mean, that I was, I had on all the other idiots who didn't know they had it. You know, right, right, and um, but I, the first time I came into AA, actually I was 18 and um, one of my brothers was sober in AA and we got into a terrible argument and, um, he called me an alcoholic and I said and all of a sudden I confessed that I was, and, uh, and I went to a meeting that night and uh, you know, that's that power of like, he was trying to help me, even though he was my least favorite sibling, and he was trying to help me and I went to a meeting that night and I didn't like it at all.

Speaker 2:

I was not happy because A my brother was in the other room and so was my father, and I really didn't want any part of that legacy at that point. And so I, but I managed to stay sober because for a while, because I I think what it was was you know, I didn't know anything really about myself, but that seemed to be interesting to other people that I was an alcoholic and at such a young age and there was like nobody else in the program, like really back that was so that was like 1978. And there were not a lot of young people yet, it just was yeah.

Speaker 1:

And pre-record you said that 18 was actually the drinking age in New York City, which is a 21 today.

Speaker 2:

It's 21 today, yeah.

Speaker 1:

Presently. Yeah, so you were actually walking in to get sober when people were just starting to go out and drink, which must've been kind of difficult.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, it was yeah, but, um, but there, there wasn't a friend of mine that said oh, no, right Right.

Speaker 1:

So, just to just to back up a up a little because it's it may be interesting to listeners, because you know you see a lot in the news right now. You had mentioned you were childhood actor. Um, what were some of the things that you were on and also like that, I see a lot of that and how you know you talked about the trust and how it's not there and it seemed to go hand in hand with like addiction sometimes in the news and stuff. Why is that and could you talk a little to that?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so that trusting was just when I think you were young, hmm.

Speaker 1:

Because you were young and in a professional environment. Yeah, well, actually in the professional environment.

Speaker 2:

Yeah Well, actually in the professional environment, I loved the professional environment I did about. I did a lot of TV commercials and I did a soap opera for a while and I did a lot of print work and I worked a lot as a kid and um, as, and mostly in commercials, but, um, but I worked a lot and um, and I loved my professional environment. It was, it was other kids and family, you know like, even actually my family, my older brothers and sisters, you know, were didn't want me to get a big head and they would like turn off the TV if the commercial came on, or, you know, or then I'd walk on the school bus and people would, people would make fun of me, kind of, you know, and I. So that that created this sense of, like, isolation for me and lack of trust, you know. Or there was the girls that wanted to be my friends so they could come with me on a shoot, or, you know, like you know, and and because of some of the people I knew, and and that kind of thing. So it was, it was yeah, and, and you know, like I said, I mean, we all have something that makes us feel more unique, but that trust factor I didn't trust and my, my home environment was not really that safe either.

Speaker 2:

I had that same brother that I actually admitted I was alcoholic to was somebody that was very abusive to me throughout my younger life, and so I and the fact that he was getting and everybody knew he was an alcoholic too, you know, you could, really he was somebody that was obvious as well as it was with me. But I I I didn't have very safe places, you know they weren't like home. Actually, really, the most safe place was on set when I was at home. It wasn't really that safe, but I just didn't trust what people felt about my you know, that big shot-ism, you know I didn't have that. Really I felt I loved what I did and I didn't care what you really thought. But but that everybody was always saying don't be such a big shot and I'm like I don't think I am, but okay.

Speaker 1:

Right, okay, yeah, makes sense, makes sense. Yeah, so take us to 18. When you walked in, I mean, did that stick or did you have a little in and out?

Speaker 2:

I had some in and out, it didn't really well. No, it stuck for about maybe a year or so, but also back then, in the recovery programs I was doing, you were not allowed to talk about drugs, so I didn't, and I did them. So I was an actress. I was an actress, therefore I was a waitress, and so I I hung out with all my girls that I worked with and we would go out partying in Manhattan and you know, and I didn't drink, didn't drink, but I did some other recreational stuff, and so that became that. That ended up becoming a bigger problem, of course, and and then, and then, finally, I drank.

Speaker 2:

You know, I walked into a, I walked into a bar on the Upper East Side, and this is silly, but it's my story. I always had, um, fascination with the mob, right. So I walk into this restaurant and there's all these mobsters in the back sitting there and I'm like, oh honey, I'm home and like, within two weeks or less, I don't know, I was working there, you know, and, um, I quit my other job with my other, really good job and and started working at this place and it was full of mobsters and sports figures and and I, yeah, and then that started a life for a few years with those, the mob, the mob and within about six. And then then I thought that's when I drank. I was working there when I picked up my well, actually I went across the street to a guy had 12 step.

Speaker 2:

Um, I had tried helped get sober right and I he was a bartender across the street and um, so I liked that. I liked the part of like, oh, you think it's interesting that I'm alcoholic and I liked helping people. So you know, like I wanted to get people sober, so I went. But I went over and tommy was a bartender across the street and I said, um, I give me a shot, a double shot, of jack daniels, I've done with this, no drinking thing. And uh, and we both took a drink and um, that was it for me for the for the next two and a half years or whatever it went until I came into the program. And uh and um, and then it was, then it was, and then I was with that crowd and that was a whole other like craziness, you know. And uh, I left there and um, uh, the owner of that place, that partnership broke up. He opened up another place and and I went with him and I moved into the apartment upstairs and and that woman had a boyfriend who was in prison but and we and she had his child and he was the head of a even kind of worse organization. Not that the mafia is not worse enough, but they were these guys called the westies. They were kind of a scary crew of um assassins basically on the in new york, and uh, irish crew and um, that was crazy.

Speaker 2:

So now I'm involved in all these people and uh, and I'm no nothing to do with my family anymore. They don't. They're like scared for me, they don't want anything to do with me. I would go over it. My parents lived on the upper West side and now I lived on the Upper East side and, um, I would barely show up for anything at this point and uh, and when I did, I'd be you know, I'd have all sorts of money. Oh, then I started working after hour clubs and I had a lot of money and I was around people with a lot of money and I'd show up in Rolls Royces and say, you know, throw down Christmas presents and leave, you know that guy.

Speaker 2:

And uh and uh and you know it was just a wildlife in the those early, those first few years of the eighties in New York city and um and uh. So towards the end I got sick and um, and I had gallbladder disease and they had to take it out. And uh, and the doctor looked at me afterwards and said hey, listen, I've been in there Like he eyeballed me. Hey, listen, I've been in there Like he eyeballed me. He's like I've been in there and I'm telling you you have the insides of like a 45-year-old chronic alcoholic, you have cirrhosis and you're in trouble. And I was like thanks, doc, I didn't really want to hear it, but of course I never forget it, right, I can see his eyes, you know, and you never forget somebody saying that to you.

Speaker 2:

I didn't get sober right away or get clean. I actually had an eight ball of cocaine under my pillow when he said that to me and I was not going to stop using. And my boyfriend, the mafia guy, he hated hospitals so he would send me food and cocaine in the hospital. And uh, and the nurses were like my, you're up fast, you know. Okay, yeah, well, I'm doing pretty good, um so, and then my, you know, my parent, my family, showed up, of course, for that and, um, I actually have a very close family. I was the one that was, you know, pushing them all away and I and they hoped this was the end, and it was. It was close, but a few months later I finally I well, no, not a few months, it was only a few weeks later.

Speaker 2:

A few weeks later, I took my first drink again, and that, you know, and it was there's this saying of, you know, you have a head full of recovery and a belly full of booze. Doesn't really work, right, right. So I'm in this restaurant that I just happened to stop by, you know, to say hello to the girls and I and they were offering me drink, and I heard myself say it's the first drink that gets you drunk, and I was like, oh, shut up, you know, like, don't, don't say that, you know, and uh, but I knew it really was and that, and even though I had been doing some drugs during that period since the surgery, the drink was always the thing that sent me into like chaos, you know what I mean. It was always the thing that sent me over the edge and uh, and so I drank and I went on like a two-week bender that I don't really remember much about, um, except for at the end, uh, I got beat up very badly and um and I, um, and I was coming home in a stolen car with stolen credit cards and all this, you know, coming back from a trip with that roommate and she is the one who had beat me up, but I had also had an altercation a few days before that and then we had gotten to a terrible altercation.

Speaker 2:

I was driving down the West side highway back to Manhattan and and I had this realization that I, my life was completely unmanageable and I was never going to find any harmony and this was going to be like you know, this was going to be my life. And and I drove to my parents' house instead of my house and I said to my father, I think this is it, and he was like, oh, thank god. And and like he was sober now consistently nine years. And um and uh, and I went to a meeting and I walked into this meeting and I contacted a woman that I had known. So I also, throughout this, I had this theater company and so I, at the theater company, I'd sort of surrounded myself with a lot of actors that were in the program that were sober, you know. So, um, so I called this one woman and said um, who I used to pretend was my sponsor, although I never actually asked her that and uh, and I went to her and, um, and she met me at this meeting, at this place, and um, and she went to hug me and I flinched, you know, cause I was.

Speaker 2:

So now I was so entrenched in, like all this other crazy I carried a gun, like it was just silly, silly stuff that I was entrenched in. So, um, but she loved me until I could love myself, and so did a few other people that came to, you know, came to be my angels, and I actually went to a rehab a few months later because I was having a very hard time staying sober and staying away from my life. And then there I met a real angel who helped me a tremendous amount for many, many years and and and I surrendered, you know, and I knew this the jig was up, like I wasn't going to be able to do this any longer. I could not sustain the type of.

Speaker 2:

By then I was also a full on freebase addict and I, you know, there was no way I could. I was not going to sustain this. So, um, so I came in and I, I, I, I put everything down and I detoxed at my parents' house and, um, my mother's a nurse and she was very loving about it. She was, um and uh, a detox there. It took a while, took a little while, a couple of weeks, and um, and then, you know, I entrenched myself in recovery and everything I could soak up about it.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so, and that was at 21?.

Speaker 2:

That was 21.

Speaker 1:

And that was, and you had. You never drank again or did drugs for 42 years.

Speaker 2:

No, yeah, that's incredible.

Speaker 1:

You know you talked about a couple, couple things. I just wanted to pause for a second and you said something really important. You know you were, you were alcoholic, but you did drugs as well. But alcohol was your, your true choice. And you know I, I heard somebody say once well, I do drugs, I don't drink, so why can't I drink?

Speaker 1:

And I and I remember telling him I said, because you know, picture this. You know you're sitting there, you have a couple of beers, you know you get a buzz or you start feeling a little different, maybe not that night, but eventually you're going to go look for your true drug of choice, so it'll just bring you back. So complete abstinence always made so much sense to me. Because of that, because I heard that from somewhere, because we always hear things from somewhere else, and you walking into the rooms at 18 wasn't for nothing, whether that's where you heard, you know what I mean a belly full of booze and a head full of recovery that stopped you in your tracks one day, or you know it's all not for nothing.

Speaker 1:

You know, when you have these, of course relapse isn't required, you know, and it could be essentially fatal yeah and it could be fatal, but it does happen and the small snippets and the people that you meet along the way while you're trying are sometimes just as important as the ones that that save you meet along the way while you're trying are sometimes just as important as the ones that save you once you get in, you know.

Speaker 1:

So, really interesting story and life. You know that you led up until that point and so grateful that today you share your 42nd anniversary here with us. And so what did it look like for you? Your sobriety from at 21 on. What do you think made you stay? What was the true thing that made you stay?

Speaker 2:

the work, the work made me stay. The work was interesting to me. Well, I had always been a seeker, you know, I'd always been a spiritual seeker too, and so the work made me stay. I mean, once I really got through some of the work and got to have a new experience with the divine spirit that lives within me and I'm a part of, and we're all part of from me, um, I, I, I began to meditate and I began to, um, you know, once I got to that and then once I began to give it away, really that sort of became my next drug of choice.

Speaker 2:

In a way, you know, like I, I, to this day, there's nothing better for me than to watch the light come on in somebody's eyes and to help them through this, you know, through recovery. There's nothing, there's nothing more exciting to me. Not just a couple of weeks ago, my, my best friend and I were. I had this girl who was completely, you know, resistant, doesn't know, you know, and and we started two-timing her, you know, and by the end she was crying and like I'm alcoholic, and we were like, yay, you know, I walked away feeling so great.

Speaker 1:

You know I still love it. It's interesting when people share their, their like worst moments. When you're in a good spot and you're listening, you know that that's going to be their real turning point, you know. And so like we talk about the work, but like you really have to change everything, you know you change it all. You have like an internal reorganization. So what are some of the things that you know you let go of, or how did you make some changes early on that helped you stay?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, early on I had a hard time letting go of the life I had been in. It was kind of a big life with all those people, but I managed to let that go finally, and that took me kind of about a year and a half to let him go really it's the hymn of that. But it was a whole lifestyle and so it took me a little while to let that go.

Speaker 1:

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Speaker 2:

Letting go of everything I thought I know. So, first of all, like letting go of thinking I was totally unique, that there was anything unique about my situation, like the when I became, um, a garden variety alcoholic. It would change the whole, the whole landscape of recovery for me, because then I was just an average joe in this deal and and that makes a big difference. And I think, when you and then I did, and then I think, once you, when I crossed the threshold from being a taker to a giver, that's the other, you know, that's the other major threshold. And until you know, I mean I've been around a long time and I can see people that don't I mean I know people that are long time that never crossed that threshold. They might not have drank, but they never crossed that threshold and and it's like you know, they seem sadder than I am. You know, and I have a purpose.

Speaker 1:

You had used the term terminal uniqueness you know, I think before pre-record. Could you explain that a little bit, cause that is so true what you just said, and it brings a lot of relief.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so that terminal uniqueness is going to like, if I keep thinking I'm unique, it will kill me. I will never be part of the whole, I will never be. You know, even when I think of like the divine spirit for me, like that is so I'm not unique in that, that everybody, we're all connected. This is my philosophy and so when I'm unique, I'm just, then I can't connect with you, and everything about recovery is about connecting. You know, because we're so isolated, we're so I liked to be isolated. I like to not tell you I was full of secrets. I was full of. You know, I was never going to be an open book, and I'm an open book now, but before I was, that was going to kill me. You know, that would have sent me back out there if I had stayed that unique and and it was and it was.

Speaker 2:

I think of this one moment in a meeting on the West Side at the YMCA, and I had been saying I was in my early recovery and I was saying that I was. You used to have to count until you were like 90 days right, and I would say, you know, 32 days back, 42 days back, 32 days back, 42 days back, and this well, he's. He's deceased now, but um is. Peter cornered me afterwards and said um, you know, I'm a little tired of that little like F you at every morning. You need to. You need to let go of that back Like and and when I go with the back thing. That was changed some of the trajectory to that. Oh, that was like the beginning of breaking down that uniqueness. You know what I mean.

Speaker 1:

Like all that that's so good, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2:

Because I know, like now, lately I'm taking taking courses to be a practitioner and I and I had to go into this and I've had years of you know, seeking and years of learning and stuff, and I have to go into it with what I, you know, what we refer to as the set aside prayer set aside everything I think I know and help me have a new experience. You know, and when I can do that and set aside everything I think I know and have a new experience here, I, you know, I'm open to all sorts of possibilities.

Speaker 1:

I love that, like it's great, and thank God for those one liners that people throw at us, you know, who have that are very direct, that make you change something. You know, I remember I was talking once and and somebody who had a you know way, way more time than me and he was very, you know, he was real stern, strong man. He pulled me aside and said you know, you have a really powerful message, but you cursed, so and every time you know which people curse and that's fine. But he said you know, we're not every time you did that. It took me about 10 minutes to get back, so I missed some of your story. He said we're not really doing that here and I was like wow, okay, and I made the adjustment, you know, and um, but you know you couldn't have told me that the first five, seven years I would have I would have held very tightly to my, my F's and my, you know, but you know they just they help you become a better person in the world Right, absolutely, and I'll take it.

Speaker 1:

I'll.

Speaker 2:

take it too, I'll take it and I'm happy to pass it on and do what I can to be of service. And that became the deal for me and I stayed in New York for the first seven years and then about the first seven years I was sober I did, um, a lot of, you know, a lot of service work and a lot of a lot of stuff around the young people thing. I got very involved in that and um, and I got very involved in going to all these um, uh conferences all around the Northeast and stuff and uh, and it was fun and I had a lot of fun and uh, conferences all around the Northeast and stuff and uh, and it was fun and I had a lot of fun and uh. But then also the other thing I was very into was traveling and so I would come back from traveling to Manhattan and I'd be like I don't know if I want to live this life anymore, and uh. And then I decided to move out to California and um, and that was a whole other, a whole other journey.

Speaker 2:

And then a little while after that I met my oh no, I got pregnant and my husband. I didn't do it in the order what people supposed to Um and um and then had a couple of children, you know, and uh, but even, and then here and I landed in. I live in Carlsbad, california. I landed in a really nice uh, and I'm really happy about that. And you know, even when I had my children, you know, it's harder to get out there. So my husband and I committed to we had this great house that we committed to having the parties for everybody's anniversary, you know.

Speaker 1:

Oh, that's great. I would do that for years you know, oh, that's great, I would do that for years. So you grew up true east coast, new York girl, for sure from your story, yeah, and but I'm not surprised that you ended up on the west coast. I know a couple people who grew up in New York City. Absolutely love, love New York, and then their other choices, california, you know from coast to coast. So it's really interesting and I'm glad that community is so very important, isn't it? When we talk?

Speaker 2:

about this. Yeah, community is everything Connection, and community is everything you know you have to. And when I of course, when I first got here I didn't like the way they did anything here, but I was lucky that a guy I knew in New York had moved to this. Well, first I was going to live in LA and then I had actually some terrible experiences in LA and I came down here and and I and because this friend of mine from New York had lived here and so and he already kind of had a community, so it was great, like I just kind of piggybacked into his community and um, and I'm still friends with most of those people now that still live here and and and that was great. And um, and then having children in the program is interesting too. So I didn't have.

Speaker 2:

I had my first child when I was 10 years, sober. At two I have a girl and a boy and um and I and I just lost my train of thought, but I had two children and um and uh and um, oh, I know what I was gonna say, but and like, with that I, I was 10 years sober, so I didn't want to um, uh, they did not know I was alcoholic until they were much older. And uh, and I didn't want to, and and they I didn't want my five-year-old raising their hand in kindergarten saying my mom's an alcoholic. They don't know how to differentiate that stuff right. And I'm in this unique position where they never saw me I was not using drinking in their presence, so they never knew that until later when their dad and I divorced and he began to use again and they were like what is happening? And then I had to explain that.

Speaker 2:

Ok, I sat them down, they were like eight or something like that and I said hey, listen, dad's an alcoholic, uh, I'm an alcoholic and it's a disease. Your father's caught up in it right now. He's a good man, he's not. This is not a you know, it's not a moral issue, it's not like anything, but it's, you know, it's. Well, you know, those are the exact words my mother told me one time. She said it's a moral issue, it's a, uh, it's a disease. And that was pretty progressive for like back in yeah, but so very true, yeah, my mother was pretty progressive actually.

Speaker 2:

I mean mostly when she said that to me I thought I thought you didn't like dad, no, but uh but she was very kind of it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that's the kind. Yeah, she was super kind about his disease.

Speaker 2:

She really did get that and uh, and that was that was a blessing for me, because it was always framed as a disease like that for me that it was.

Speaker 1:

So I always feel like I came by my disease honestly, you know, like there's it's so hereditary for me and um so yeah, look at that, your mom gave you those words and then you were giving those very same words to your children to explain.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, can you?

Speaker 1:

speak a little bit to how alcoholism and addictions of family disease yeah.

Speaker 2:

So you know, um, I I really do think it's hereditary. But then also the behaviors around that are. You know, codependency and you know the, the lies and the secrets and you know every alcoholic family has those, you know. You know like we looked great on the outside, the eight of us, you know what I mean, the six. We looked good on the outside, but what was happening in that household was a whole other story. Good on the outside, but what was happening in that household was a whole other story. You know what I mean. And there was all the you know blaming and shaming and lying and secrets and all that stuff. That. That, that whether you turn out like out of the six of us, whether you turn out to be alcoholic or not, you still are damaged from all that stuff. You know what I mean.

Speaker 2:

And uh, and so, as I was duly, you know, when I first went into Al-Anon I was only like three years sober and um, and I was still very um, enmeshed with my parents and uh, and I mean you know my mother and I kind of been in business together. You know she was like kind of a manager. There was just all all this stuff, right and so, but but mostly by the secrets of our household. You know, you get very, you know there's this, this solidarity about those secrets and you're not going to let anybody know what's really happening in this household.

Speaker 2:

And the biggest one in my family was my father's always homosexual right and is a gay guy, and I didn't know that. But once I did know it I was like God, that makes so much sense, you know, but but but he was so they had all these secrets, you know, and I think like alcohol isn't just breeds, all of that. So then the whole family is distorted and nobody gets, nobody really gets to tell the truth to each other and nobody, everybody's siloed off and you feel isolated and confused. You know as a child and then as an adult even. You know. Until you start to get those you know, straighten out some of that stuff and take a bullseye and look at it.

Speaker 1:

You know, and um, so so, yeah, I know that you had said you went into Al-Anon and you know, sometimes, as you progress and in an alcohol-free life, you know you start to you live your life, you get your health back, you get well. But you know, like you spoke about the behaviors, you know, and so there's always more, whether you're alcoholic or not, to you know, revealing who you are and how you can live better. How do you think um Al-Anon and looking at those things has enhanced your life?

Speaker 2:

Oh, majorly. I think I was in therapy at that point and um and.

Speaker 1:

I? You talk about the secrets and stuff, but how did you break from that? Like? How, what are some of the things that it brought you freedom from? Like, how do you live different because of it?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, well, I definitely live different as an open book. You know, like the time I realized I had all this enmeshment, you know, like that I was there's so many classic things in alcoholic families you know, like that triangulation, you know, like I'm going to tell her so she can tell him and then we'll figure this. You know, instead of this direct communication and the family, you know, and, uh, all that, and I was chasing men all the time, like I had no idea that I had a problem with a daddy issue, for instance. You know that I, I was, um, constantly chasing older men and uh, and you know, and, and once I realized I had some issues with my father, I was lucky that my father by now had also gained some real recovery and we could sit down and talk about it, but together actually, and uh, and but I, you know, prior to that I didn't, I didn't know any, I just knew that I didn't know how to be direct with in relationships.

Speaker 2:

You know, when you got into a relationship with anybody, whether it be man or woman or whatever, I didn't know what intimacy was a relationship with anybody, whether it be man or woman or whatever. I didn't know what intimacy was. I couldn't, I had never experienced it.

Speaker 1:

And I also so, looking at that, you go ahead. I'm sorry.

Speaker 2:

No, go ahead.

Speaker 1:

So, looking at that, you know that awareness or that you didn't even realize you had issues with with dad right. So having having that awareness and then looking at it squarely changes every relationship you have after that into something. Every single one. So it's life changing. It's life changing.

Speaker 2:

Every single one? Yeah, absolutely. And I often say I was emotionally illiterate. You know, for years, my first several years that I got here, and it took me a long time to get to, to even be in touch with my feelings. You know what I mean Like meditation did that for me, because I mean meditation is a big part of the element to the growth in emotional growth, because I had to stop.

Speaker 2:

You know, I remember, like the first time I was in a meditation class and, uh, and I said to the teacher, who turned out to be one of my best friends for many, many years.

Speaker 2:

I said to her I think of our cross purposes here, because everybody here seems to want some sort of out of body experience and I need to be in my body. I don't think I've ever been in my body. And she was like, oh no, sweetheart, you're in the right place. And I began to meditate and be in my body and have a conscious contact with the power greater than myself, instead of being unconscious about my whole life and just react reactionary rather than conscious and responsive. You know, and so, and then I began to have an emotional life that I was aware of and I could participate in and I could exchange with other human beings in my life that that that was, that was untouchable territory for me. Had I been still using, had I been unaware, you know, had I not been working on recovery and trying to move forward you know Well what a gift.

Speaker 1:

I mean how much more meaning you have in your life now because of that. I mean just putting that down. The coping mechanisms are down, you're just living your life like wide open and yeah, it's really, really something. So what did the latter part of like the sobriety look like as you evolve into out of early sobriety and into, like you know, getting back into your life Like how did how was that enhanced by, by your recovery? Yeah so actually, and yeah, right I was like.

Speaker 2:

So it seemed like everything I did, uh, you know, I could just do it so much better. You know, I got a regular job, you know, and started working in the back. Then it was in like the print industry. One of my sisters got me a great job and you know everything I did. I became the manager or the supervisor or whatever you know, or the VP, whatever you know. And so because actually when I had that theater company, I realized that I had a head for business. I stopped acting and I I ran that theater company and I ran it beautifully and we started making money and we you know it still exists actually, but, um, but.

Speaker 2:

So I loved the business side of things and then I loved bringing the principles I was learning into that, you know, and, and and everything I still to this day, everything I do, whether whatever the profession I've been in and I've had a few now but I'm there to be of service, you know, and and when I bring that attitude into whatever I do, whether it's sales you know, I've done some sales here and there or you know, I one of the longest careers I've had in my adult life was as a corporate meeting planner and event planner, and, and you know I loved that and I always bring that sense of service, you know, into whatever I do. So, um, so that makes life so much easier.

Speaker 1:

What is that? Is your theater company still in existence or yeah, the Colony Theater Company.

Speaker 2:

I'm actually not sure who runs it now, but it's on um. It was out of the American Theater of Actors on uh, 54th West 54th Street.

Speaker 1:

You talked a lot about altruism and you know you're helping others. You just loved it because I think that really, really helps us. You know to get outside of yourself is such a benefit because you're just. You could sit there in your problem or you could turn your attention to someone you could help. And how has that? How has that changed your recovery? By always being available to people.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, well, I mean, you're doing it right now with this whole thing. This is a great performance, you know, really, and you know it takes me out of myself. I mean, yesterday I had like something kind of a first time thing ever happened to me yesterday morning and a relationship to my daughter who is out there, and and it was a little traumatic in the morning, you know, and by the afternoon I called a few people and I called the girl I sponsored. I called, you know, I just called a few people and by the time and then I got to work and someone was having a hard time with the whole project and I just dove into it, as you know, to be of service, and the next thing I knew it was 4 o'clock and I hadn't thought about what happened in the morning you know what I mean and I had processed it and I hadn't done anything. I wanted to react to some of what had happened and I didn't react to it. I said I'm going to set aside my reaction and see how I feel later today, and to have that kind of be able to do that is so much, so much healthier for me than you know, sure, for anyone.

Speaker 2:

Now, you know, because I mean again, having raised to, my kids are 33 and are about to be 33 and 28. Oh, no, 32 and 28, 29, whatever. And they, you know, they still had an alcoholic mother. You know I'm not perfect, you know what I mean. Just, sobriety doesn't mean that I am, that I did everything right. You know what I mean, just because I raised them as a sober person. I'm S, I still had my family history, I still had my old ideas. I, you know, because once you then get into a whole other phase of your life, so here I am as a parent, oh my gosh, I don't want to do what my parents did. I want to have a different, I want to be a different type of parent. And now, like you know, for me, I look back and some of it I went. I went maybe to the other extreme, you know. Or I, you know, I had a couple of years where I was like a helicopter mom or, you know, I try not to be. You know what my mother was so aloof and I didn't want to be aloof. And you know, trying to teach them emotional, you know, trying to teach them about their emotions, and you know, and I mean actually some of that worked very well, they tell me. But but you know, or we were meditating, you know, I had the meditating as young kids and uh, you know stuff like that. But, um, you know, but you never know.

Speaker 2:

Like, out of my two children, one is definitely right now a current full-on alcoholic drug addict, with some, also some mental health issues, and uh, and she's out there, you know, and, um, and what, what my recovery has given me is that I get that I'm not responsible for that, you know, and no matter how much she wants to tell me, I am just like I want to tell my parents that they were too. When I first got here, you know I was, I was a victim too when I first got sober, you know, and and so. But I get that it's not my, it's not my responsibility. And I also get that God doesn't have grandchildren.

Speaker 2:

You know she's got her own higher power. She's got her own. You know she came into this world for her own reasons and via me. Yes, but doesn't, doesn't make me responsible, right? So I mean now, of course, you know, when you're a parent, you're responsible when they're little, but you, um, you know, I, I didn't create her disease. I can't cure it and I can't control it, you know, and um, just like nobody could with me. And so until she has her moment, I don't know when that moment's going to be you know, but um, I can't pass on my recovery.

Speaker 2:

You know it doesn't get it by osmosis, you know um, it's just the way it is.

Speaker 1:

you know the pre-recording we were talking about my sobriety doesn't protect my children from this disease.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and she actually had four years of recovery at one time and it was lovely, you know, it was lovely to watch and lovely to be a part of. And you know, yeah, yeah, and we will someday. I mean, I, I always have hope, I always have hope, always. You know, um and uh, and my son on the other, you know, doesn't seem to have this. You know, my son has a strong al-anon program. It's so hysterical it cracks me up like he doesn't even know it, but he just speaks like it. You know, like that's not my problem, mom.

Speaker 1:

You're right, it's not Good for you. You're right, it's not. So if there's one thing you could tell people, listeners who, um, who are struggling, um, who want to get, get here and stay as long as you've stayed, what would it be?

Speaker 2:

Connect with somebody. Just connect with somebody who's been I don't care if they have a day longer than you, I don't care what you know but like, connect with somebody that you um, that you can do this with, you know, um, and hopefully you also connect with some sort of power greater than yourself that can help you too, you know. But um, connection is the key. Isolation will kill you. You know, I was the kind that could isolate in a room full of a hundred person.

Speaker 1:

A hundred people, you know and you don't have to do that anymore. You don't have to do that. You know the delay, the delay of asking for help can be, can be years, so just do it, you know you just do it open your mouth, do it.

Speaker 2:

Do it Because there's so much out there that can help you so many people. So where can listeners find you as we wrap up? If they want to connect with you during the week? Best place is Instagram. I think I'm on there the most where I can talk to people or whatever.

Speaker 1:

What is your Instagram account? Name Amy.

Speaker 2:

C.113.

Speaker 1:

account name Amy C.113. Okay, amy C.113 on Instagram is the best way to follow and connect with Amy. You know I'm also going to put all that in the show notes, so you just go down there and click on her Facebook, linkedin and Instagram and thank you so much for sharing your wisdom, your story and for celebrating your 42nd year anniversary here on Sober Living Stories podcast. I really appreciate it and I enjoyed having you as a guest on the show.

Speaker 2:

Thank you, I enjoyed being here. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for tuning into the Sober Living Stories podcast. If you have been inspired, consider subscribing and sharing with anyone who could use hope in their lives. Remember to stay tuned for more inspiring stories in the episodes to come. To view our featured author of the month or to become a guest yourself, visit wwwjessicastepanoviccom.